What is self-reflection? Self-reflection is the process of thinking about one’s thoughts, investigating the truth and reality of the thought, understanding the internal cause and effect of certain thoughts – usually the unpleasant thoughts, judgements, feelings, interpretations – and going deeper into a new realm of curiosity of what life might be like without the story behind the original thought. As one pair of researchers uncovered in their study with 442 executives where they asked leaders to ‘reflect on experiences that advanced their professional development and had the most impact on making them better leaders’…Bailey and Rehman found that they “would go so far as to argue that [self-reflection] is the foundation that all other soft skills grow from” (2022).
In this insight article we will first review what self-reflection is and is not, and how thoughts that are attached to without a degree of consciousness or self-authorship can contribute to the construct of suffering, the working definition of suffering we will use is urge to resist reality that can cause disturbance in the body. If thoughts are attached to at an unconscious level the disturbance is largely felt but unconscious, and not fully processed or met with understanding at a conscious level. Next we will discuss how self-reflection provides the leader conscious access to their thoughts and the ability to reality test their thinking and deeply held belief systems for reframing and new and expansive perspectives. Finally we will end with the health, well-being, and emotional fulfillment benefits of self-reflection and its power in assisting leaders and individuals alike in developing a more secure relationship with themselves, additionally how self-reflection is one of the first key breakthroughs that clients often experience and achieve with the help of a high-quality coach. As the pair of researchers uncovered, self-reflection has transformative power to expand a person’s ability to process information, and leverage the power between stimulus and response, to pause and consider see a fuller array of choices for how to respond that create expansion and lead to self-authorship, self-realization, and self-transformation.
What Self-Reflection Is and Is Not
First and foremost, self-reflection is not about repressing thoughts, and instead it is about introspectively seeing thoughts for what they are, seeing reality for what it is, and seeking to understand our original thought that we are attached to with a deeper appreciation for all of its inner workings so that we can meet the original thought and our thinking with understanding (Katie, 2002). When we can fully appreciate the stories that bring us fear, sadness, disappointment, disturbance, and suffering as a result of believing and attaching to our thoughts, we can transform our inner experience by meeting it with understanding which naturally transforms our outer response.
Suffering and The Power of Regaining Conscious Access Thoughts & Beliefs
Self-inquiry practices lead many leaders to the discovery of how thoughts we attach to, form beliefs, which create ‘stories’, that can create an internal feeling of suffering or disturbance we may or may not be fully conscious or aware of. Suffering arises when the reality of what is occurring, is different than the belief we’re cognitively attaching to. The brain does this so that it can attempt to rationalize and reconcile the original thought, feelings, and experience. Internally we feel and experience the disturbance (also called cognitive dissonance) and notice a difference in what is (reality) and what thoughts we’re attaching to (the belief or story – our interpretation of reality). The body and the mind are doing their neurobiological job turning towards the painful feeling and experience and attempting to reconcile the difference through rationalization. This is how thoughts that may not serve us, form beliefs, and can cause regular disturbance or suffering. As one research study describes “rationalization is thought to be motivated by the drive to reduce ‘cognitive dissonance’” (Jarcho, J. M. et al., 2011). Your mind is doing its neurobiological job, the mind thinks thoughts. When we personalize or believe these thoughts our mind thinks for us, especially the thoughts that cause disturbance or that are at odds with reality, that’s when suffering also takes hold. This is brings us back to the importance of developing a regular practice of self-reflection, because self-reflection helps leaders question thoughts and beliefs, and to help to “undo” them by meeting them with understanding then they let go of us. When we continually judge our thoughts, and meet them with right or wrong thinking, the process of suffering and disturbance continues.
Reality Testing and Reframing Painful Thoughts and Experiences
One of the key characteristics of a transformative self-reflection practice includes a part of the process where the leader goes deeper into inquiry to self-examine what feelings, judgements, interpretations, and stories (beliefs) that are held or attached to - are considered true. Examining each thought with compassion and testing it against reality. Asking the question “Is this true?” or really getting honest with yourself and asking “Do I want to know the truth?”. Some other powerful questions include: “How do I react when I think this thought?” and “What would my life be like without this thought?” (Katie & Mitchell, 2002).
Leaders who practice self-reflection and jump to judgement bring out the internal harsh judge and internal critic in others, which causes revisiting and re-living pain, suffering, and intrusive thoughts/feelings. Leaders who are successful at developing a self-reflective practice know the importance of thorough self-reflection and self-education/teaching. The steps of examining what stories or beliefs may be creating unnecessary stress, inefficiency, confusion – and doing so from a place of empathy, courage, exploration, and understanding must occur first if we truly want to experience transformation and self-realization. Self-inquiry expert Byron Katie, a pioneer in this field often works with resistant, fearful, or ashamed people and she offers them the following perspective when feeling hesitant about examining painful beliefs and stories. She says “All I can tell you… is that what lives beneath the nightmare is a good thing” (2002). Pain is often our friend when we think it’s our enemy. It’s a gentle reminder of the mental hurt that comes from fighting with reality, rather than embracing reality from place of unconditional self-love, appreciation, and curiosity. Katie offers the perspective that “Reality is often kinder than our stories” (2002).
The Benefits of Self-Reflection in Leadership
Research demonstrates how leaders who commit to regular self-reflective practices experience greater levels of peace, calm, understanding, acceptance of what is (an orientation towards the truth) and freedom. They have a greater capacity and tolerance for stress – citing how they welcome the many situations life might have to offer and believe all are manageable with the tools and skills provided through self-reflection and a relationship of unconditional positive regard with the self. With time, and by nurturing their self-reflective practice, leaders become securely attached to themselves through the power unconditional self-love, appreciation, curiosity, understanding that their practice of self-reflection regularly offers.
Conclusion
People often ask: What is the difference between coaching for self-reflection and therapy? This is a wonderful question. Both therapy and coaching offer ways of understanding how people process information to make meaning, and provide a psychologically safe space to shift and adapt mindset and behavior responses. Therapy is primarily focused on the past, reprocessing the past within a clinical context, using a pathological examination, symptoms assessment, diagnosis/diagnosing, prescribing treatment, etc. Coaching involves partnering with a professional whose expertise is facilitating individual growth and development, and exploring what is arising in the present, and to define and craft growth and change goals, using adult development theory to focus attention, and to being practicing new behavioral and cognitive responses (taking safe risks) to increase personal effectiveness in the desired areas. Coaching practices are focused on employing introspective practices as led by the client, in the present, within the context of the client/coach relationship. The coaching processes very specifically consider the client’s behavioral, interpersonal, and/or professional goals with deep thought and intention. To learn more, and explore the power of self-reflection, schedule a free coaching intake call/consultation.
Key Terms
Thoughts – similar to how our body breathes, our brain thinks. According to Merriam Webster (n.d.) a thought is a noun and “an individual act or product of thinking.” There are many forms a thought can take (e.g. plan, intention, something in the mind [belief or opinion], etc.)
Beliefs – thoughts the mind attaches to that may or may not be true. Could additionally be called interpretations, assumptions, judgements.
Truth – truth is the reality of what is (without our thoughts, beliefs, stories). Truth is neither dependent on, nor a derivative of our thoughts, beliefs, nor stories – reality is what it is. (For more on this see the resources section below and Lisa Feldman Barrett’s 2018 TED talk where she discusses “blind experience” and after watching ask yourself what is true, with the intention of reflecting to get back to what the truth was, about the raw form of information processed in that blind experience experiment).
Internal Cause & Effect – in the work of self-reflection we get to a point where we see how we react when we think certain thoughts more clearly. This allows for an increased awareness of the internal cause of thinking that thought, and its internal/external effects.
Mismatching - self-reflection combined with what coaches call “mismatching experiences”, catalyzes one’s ability to internally turn towards a new positive core belief – turn towards yourself. Mismatching can be a fast track to self-realization (Katie & Mitchell, 2002).
”Once you see the thought [for what it is], the thought lets go of you and not the other way around”… “Everyone is a mirror image of themselves. Your own thinking coming back at you.”– Byron Katie
Self-reflection is a path to realizing a kinder, clearer, more peaceful self. It is the foundation for self-authorship, self-realization, and transformation.
Resources
Bailey, J. R., & Rehman, S. (2022, March 21). Don’t Underestimate the Power of Self-Reflection. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2022/03/dont-underestimate-the-power-of-self-reflection
Feldman Barrett, L. (2018). “You Aren’t at the Mercy of Your Emotions -- Your Brain Creates Them.” YouTube, TED, 23 Jan. 2018, www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gks6ceq4eQ&feature=youtu.be
Katie, B., & Mitchell, S. (2002). Loving What Is. Harmony Books.
Jarcho, J. M., Berkman, E. T., & Lieberman, M. D. (2011, September). The Neural Basis of Rationalization: Cognitive Dissonance Reduction During Decision-Making. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3150852/
Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). America’s Most Trusted Dictionary. Merriam-Webster. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/